Hamilton criticised for premature ejaculation

Reigning world champion Lewis Hamilton has been criticised for being a selfish sexist bastard after he blew his load all over a girl’s face on the podium. The Mercedes driver was so excited after winning the Chinese Grand Prix, he was unable to contain himself and sprayed the poor girl before falling asleep and refusing to cuddle.

The girl in question, Su King Dong, was left feeling degraded and unsatisfied, despite admitting to getting rather wet. China, a country famous for its violation of human rights, has been up in arms with activists calling for Lewis Hamilton to apologise or at least buy her dinner next time.
Lewis Hamilton, however, is not taking the accusations seriously and claims it’s not the first time he’s sprayed a girl in the face due to getting over excited. He went on to admit he’s also given lots of men face jobs over the years, including a number of high profile dignitaries, and has never had a complaint before. Many of them, he claimed, have even enjoyed the sensation. He also strongly denied accusations that he suffers from yellow fever or that his inability to contain his post-race excitement had anything to do with his latest split with Nicole Scherzinger.